No one can force you to forgive. It
doesn’t work that way. Is it reasonable to ask a victim to forgive their
wrongdoer when there has been no admission of wrong-doing, and furthermore,
when the harm is on-going? To pressure a victim to forgive under these
conditions is to re-traumatize the victim. This sin is especially prevalent,
I’m sorry to say, in so-called “spiritual” circles. “To err is human, to forgive
divine,” they solemnly intone. But what about the wrongdoer? Is there anything
they need to do to facilitate this process? Or is forgiveness a one-way street?
Rabbi
Yeruchem Eilfort was a frequent guest speaker in my world religions classes at
Palomar College. He was brilliant, funny, warm – in a word, a mensch. It was
from Rabbi Eilfort that I first learned about the three Rs. In order for us to
be forgiven for our wrongdoing, in order for us to be restored unto right
relationship with God and with one another, we must first do three things.
First
we must feel remorse. We must genuinely feel the suffering we have caused the
other. Secondly, we must repair the damage. If you stole, pay it back. If you
lied, admit it. But how can you repair murder, false-imprisonment, or
structural discrimination? We’re going to have to get creative. And this is
key: our efforts at repair must be made directly to the harmed – we cannot sit
back and wait for a supernatural third party to do it for us. Thirdly, we must
reform, that is, lend new shape to our lives. The offending behavior has to
stop. When these three conditions are met – remorse, repair, and reform – forgiveness
may be granted thereby drawing both wrong-doer and victim into right-relationship
and inner peace.
As a straight cisgender white male, I
am the beneficiary of untold unearned privilege. When I walk into a store, when
I rent an apartment, when I apply for a loan, when I interview for a job, or
when I’m stopped by the police, I am treated differently than people of color
or other discriminated groups not because of my individual merit, but because
of an accident of genetics.
Being a person of color means living
in the shadow of multi-generational, institutionalized, and often unconscious
discrimination. Growing up black in America means growing up in a nation built
by slaves, learning American history from white teachers in schools named after
slave owners, and living with the fear that simply being black is a death
sentence in all too many situations.
And yet a majority of white people mistakenly
believe that racism is no longer a major problem, and that it’s all behind us.
“I don’t see color,” they say. Believing that racism doesn’t exist is a privilege
reserved only for those who never experience it.
Racism skeptics also say things like, "Black people need to get over it. Slavery was a long time ago. And besides, I didn't do it, I don't have a racist bone in my body." How are people of color supposed to forgive the dehumanizing horror of racism when it remains unacknowledged and when they're gaslighted for even bringing it up? So they don't. And we don't talk to each other. And a sickening silence descends like a fog keeping us all in the dark. Real forgiveness is possible. Real restorative healing is possible. But first, the dominant culture must work through the three Rs.
