The Five Questions

There is nothing as powerful as a question. Answers close everything down. Questions open everything up.

In our efforts to improve our lives, our careers, our relationships, and our creative output it’s important to spend some quality time with a handful of good questions.

What really matters to me?

There are so many conflicting demands made on our attention. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Before you know it, the day is gone. And what do you have to show for it? Every moment requires a decision in the face of an infinite array of possibilities. The moments turn to hours, the hours turn to days, and before you know it, another year is gone. And you never know how many of those you have left. The little things add up and become the whole. Our life is the sum of our decisions. “How we spend our days,” wrote Annie Dillard, “is, of course, how we spend our lives.” It’s vitally important that we by any means necessary clarify our values and order our priorities. There is no time to waste time. Make room for what really matters. As Stephen Covey says, put first things first. Whatever doesn’t fit gets dropped. Learn how to be o.k. with this.

A good way to re-order your priorities is by asking this next question.

Why am I doing this?

We do things for a lot of different reasons, some valid, some empty. Start being more careful about what you say yes to. Honestly assess the quality and value of the experiences you sign up for. Are you a thoughtful steward of your time, talent and treasure? What are you getting out of this? A tangible benefit? The joy of contributing to a worthy cause? Do these actions help cement a relationship that is important to me? Or am I doing this just to curry favor and feed my ego? There are no hard and fast rules here. Again, the question is so much more important, so much more vitally alive than the answer. When we live in the why, we stay open to the flashes of intuition and insight that guide us through the challenging terrain of motive.

What do we owe each other?

We do not live alone, no matter how isolated we feel. Our lives are inexorably bound up in the lives of everyone and everything else. We breathe the same air, share the same space and support each other in innumerable ways. Our decision making needs to begin in the realization of our complete and utter interdependency. From that foundation it becomes clear that our society comes with a contract – the moral obligation to take responsibility for co-creating a world that works for everyone. That being said, we cannot offer ourselves up as martyrs on the altars of other people’s self-absorption. Finding the line between altruism and self-love is the work of every thinking man and woman. Compassionate action must be our guiding principle, including compassion for ourselves – why should we be excluded? Again, there are no hard and fast rules, just a formless, living awareness of our interdependency and a simultaneous acknowledgment of our personal liberty and responsibility. We cannot save everyone we meet from their own bad choices. But we also know that our fates are intertwined, and a blind eye and closed fist is a miserable response that shuts us off from our own happiness.

What is happiness?

When you keep it simple, happiness is simply feeling comfortable in your own skin. It’s a word we use to describe a general sense of well-being born of a thousand mothers – external circumstances, biology, the actions of others and our own free-will decision to choose happiness in spite of all those things.  Without putting too fine a point on it, we all know what happiness is, yet we must keep this question open and alive if we are to move through the minefield of the myriad conflicting demands placed on us.  We have to develop a subtle understanding of long-term self-interest. The willingness to sacrifice momentary, fleeting pleasures for long-term well-being is the watermark of maturity. Discipline, mastery and self-restraint create the conditions in which our deepest and most authentic joy can thrive. For Aristotle, happiness is the result of risk-taking, hard work, and the courageous cultivation of our innate potential. Having the will power to nurture our own excellence and avoid the dissipation of trivial pursuits is an essential component of the well-lived life. And yet we must avoid thinking of happiness as a distant goal, an endpoint achievable only after we arrange all of the outer elements of our lives in accord with our whimsical demands. Nothing outside of us makes us happy. Happiness is a decision. It is quality of being, not a passive response to favorable stimuli.  Pay attention to the subtle, fluid nature of your own emotional weather systems. Know that while there are always going to be ups and downs, it is possible to move in the general direction of happiness. One of the best ways to do that is to ask yourself this next question.

What am I?

Not Who am I? but What am I? Who am I? simply elicits a long list of labels and social definitions – man, woman, child, son, daughter, brother, sister, husband, wife, college student, job description, nationality, introvert, extrovert, political affiliation, ad infinitum. When the list is done, you’re still no closer to the real question. What’s beneath all of those masks? Don’t let the brevity or the childlike simplicity of the question fool you. This is a tough one. I know this sounds strange, but don’t let the mind rush to an answer – it will gladly offer up all of the usual suspects: a soul, a body, a spirit, a mass of protoplasm. The mind is incapable of answering this question – how could it?  The mind is a function of the self, not its source. Asking the mind to define the mind is like asking your eyes to see your eyes. Confused? That’s the point. The mind is out of its depth here. Like a Zen koan, the question Who am I? nudges us through the veil that divides our surface consciousness from the depths of our inner witness, a profound and wordless knowing that hums with the energy of Being itself.  How can a wave know that it is the entirety of the sea while it is utterly identified with the wave-state?

Again, as much as we long to run into the arms of every awaiting answer, it is far more powerful to simply remain in the uncertainty created by the imposition of the question itself. As magnets attract iron, questions attract insight.  Answers, on the other hand, attract argument.

 Socrates lived his life, and ultimately gave his life, in the pursuit of self-knowledge. The dialogues of Plato that tell his story are masterful testimonies to the power of inquiry. Socrates wasn’t interested in cataloging the qualities of things; it was their essence he was after – beauty, truth, justice, and the good. And most importantly, what are we in the face of this eternal mystery?

Learn to trust the authority of your own inner voice. There is wisdom in the field of awareness, available to anyone willing to become silent enough to hear it. Take the time to listen. If you aren’t already, begin journaling. Take these questions into your prayer and meditation. In one way or another, make it a daily practice to spend time in the contemplation of the five questions.

A New Leaf

In January the year is new and full of promise. All our mistakes are behind us. We have been forgiven by those we have trespassed against, just as we have forgiven our trespassers. We are free of the regret that plagued us in the past. As Elbert Hubbard said, we are not punished for our sins, but by them. Let the punishment end. January calls us to strike out anew, unburdened, into the grand adventure of our life.

       The holiday season was a busy time of shopping, cooking, traveling, planning, baking, giving, receiving, singing, dancing, reveling and collapsing in deep-tissue exhaustion. Many of us emerge from the holidays needing, well, a holiday. Getting snared into what passes for Christmas in our fast-paced commercialized culture, we often lose sight of our core convictions and values. The dazzle gets the best of us. Now that it’s all behind us, let’s stop, take a breath and dig down deep into what we know is true. Instead of New Year’s resolutions which rarely hold up, let’s refresh our core values and draw on their wisdom in the months ahead. Let’s go back to what we know.

       Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This golden rule is embraced in every wisdom tradition. It is a simple idea. Cultivate the imagination and the empathy to feel, really feel how your actions impact others. Stand in their shoes. See through their eyes. Watch yourself approach. Hear your words through their ears. Feel your thoughtless actions shatter their peace of mind. Recognize your oneness and root firmly in this awareness.

       Practice restraint of tongue and pen. It is difficult to sow peace and understanding when you speak carelessly or in haste. If your words are necessary, say them with kindness, in a way that artfully anticipates conflict and prevents it. If your words are not necessary, keep them to yourself. Your email has a draft box. Use it. Facebook has an edit feature. Use that too.

       What we do is who we are. Our actions become our habits and our habits construct our character. This unimpeachable law is both imprisoning and liberating. As we ponder our circumstances, we realize that our thoughts, choices and actions have largely created them. But we are never stuck. We can always set into motion new karmic chains of cause and effect by choosing new thoughts, changing our actions and constructing new habits. People do it all the time.

       Opinions are not facts. Ever since the moment we were born, we struggled to understand the bewildering world around us. We formed impressions and reached conclusions, some of them reasonable and some of them ludicrous. Absolute certainty has, however, eluded us. Everything we know is a belief, an opinion, and as such is subject to revision as new and more compelling evidence arises. Some ideas are truer than others, that much is clear. But certainty itself remains just out of reach. Wise people practice humility and playfulness in their interactions with those who hold different beliefs, knowing that so much of anyone’s worldview is inexorably shaped by circumstance and environment – an experiential field unique to each individual. Good natured humility, gentle humor and a soft voice are the hallmarks of true wisdom.
       Don’t judge. This pearl from the mouth of Jesus demonstrates the depth and subtlety of his insight. None of us ever really understands the emotions, experiences and motives of another, so there is no way to accurately categorize or evaluate their actions. This is not to say that we are wrong to discern between good and bad, helpful and harmful, or defend ourselves against the destructive actions of others. But judging is dangerous because it is almost always a mere projection of one’s own self-serving categorizations. The real harm of judging is that it chokes off the channels through which love, understanding and forgiveness flow. When we judge we sever the binds of our own humanity. Is there anything more heartbreaking, more hopeless than the smug dismissal of judgment? Both the judged and the judger whither in their isolation.

       There is only this present moment. The past is a memory and the future a fantasy. There is always and only this present moment. Be mindful of how much presence you squander in dreams of the past or the future. Remorse, regret and shame are the bitter fruits of past-obsession, while anxiety, worry and fear are the bitter fruits of future-obsession. The cure for both of these maladies is to come back to the now. This is easily accomplished – simply get out of your head and back into your body. Feel the aliveness in your hands, in your skin, in your breath. Go outside. Do something for others. Take action. Love something more than yourself. Notice how sadness and worry dissipate in the bright light of the now.

       Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product. Stop seeking happiness. It cannot be found. It finds you. But only when you let go of craving and grasping. Happiness is what happens to you when you do good work, serve others, find a way to be useful and become a part of something larger than yourself. Happiness happens when you live the life you were born to live. Joy arises all on its own when you allow the boundless creativity of the universe to manifest itself in you, through you, and as you. But as soon as you try to grasp it, it vanishes. Happiness is not attained, it’s allowed.

       There is no such thing as failure. Every mistake, no matter how horrific, no matter how destructive, creates new opportunities that didn’t exist before. This is not about justifying the damage or calling it “good,” it is about acknowledging our imperfection and humbly moving forward into the new terrain laid bare by our blunder. Wise people realize that without risking the possibility of failure, nothing new is possible, and from the wreckage of the past new forms emerge – this time guided by eyes that see further, with hands more skillful, and a heart made softer by the wear.

       Fear is the only enemy. Very occasionally, fear is a helpful tool that forestalls disaster. But most of the time fear is a destructive form of self-obsession that hinders our actualization far more than any outside force. Like a barometer, our fear-level accurately indicates the extent to which we are stuck in delusion. Putting fear in its rightful place is the daily work of all who would be wise.

       Love is the only answer. Love means acceptance, humility, compassion, connection, warmth, understanding, patience, forgiveness, kindness and freedom. There is nothing on earth that can long withstand this unstoppable force. And love yourself too – don’t offer yourself up for sacrifice on the altar of someone else’s ego. Love is simply the awareness that you are part of something beautiful and true, and the willingness to say yes to your own infinite value. Love asks us to rise into the realization of our own magnificence. The world reveals itself in myriad forms. But through the eyes of love, every face you see is your own. Let this New Year be a daily parade of opportunities to be of service, to feel alive, to be in love with the whole crazy mess. When we walk in love, the whole world bends in our direction like a beautiful tree shading our path, pointing the way and offering, every day, a new leaf.